Mood: Shitty


So I sit here all day, literally allllll day, doing abso-fuckin-lutely nothing. For some reason, I have been thinking about a lot of shit and it just bogs me waaaay down. I don't even know where to begin. More than anything, I find myself just wanting to escape this life that I'm currently living. Even though I'm not living under my parents' roof (although I will be soon, for a span of 3 months), I still feel trapped. I feel like I'm in college for my family, not me. I feel like the only reason I am in school is just to "get by" and honestly, it's hard for me to imagine myself doing anything other than what I love the most...music. Or game making. Or writing... You know, shit I ENJOY doing. Even if I went a path of something I could see myself enjoying even though I'm not passionate about it, I still can't picture getting the determination and motivation to finish school and do it because...it's not my fucking passion!! My body aches right now from all the thinking and hating I've been doing today. Then comes the topic of people. First of all, why am I so damn incapable of putting myself out there, possibly meeting cool people? I can't stop myself from hating every god damn mother fucker out there, even before I even know anyone. Everyone who says they would do "anything for a friend" is full of shit. Anyone who tells you they are falling for you is full of shit. Anyone who has to overstate it and convince their own damn SELF that they have feelings for you is full of shit. The word "love" is full of shit. Why is it okay for women to take you into their life, get you infatuated with them, and then turn their fucking back on you because "they thought they were ready for a relationship but they're really not"? Why the fuck is that okay? And then they give you the silent treatment when you're so fucking full of shock and disbelief that you can't stop thinking about it for days. Fuck all of you who think its okay to pull peoples' strings because its not...arg. I'm in such a "FuckAll" mood right now, I wish I could just let it out in a brand new song, but I have a final I'm supposed to be studying for tomorrow, so unfortunately I gotta keep my "priorities" straight...even though my main priority HAS been my new cd, in which I've put a few hundred dollars into for selling, which will be out soon, though I'm not sure how many copies I'll sell because it seems like more people are interested in hearing Lil' Wang (erm...I meant "Lil Wayne") do his retarded monotone boring ass dance raps than hearing someone pour his heart and soul into his music. I'm hating right now, and it's so hard to stop when no one on your family supports what you love the most, and especially when you know how fucking proud your parents are of your brother, but not of you. He's moving out to California to work for Boeing, gonna get married soon to his FIRST and last girlfriend (I'm sure of it) and he's so fucking smart. I love him to death, just like my family. Fuck, my bro is like my best friend, but it still rips me up knowing that my parents respect him so much more than me. I'm so sick of family, I'm so sick of people judging me, I'm so sick of bitches ripping my heart out and acting like it was no thang, I'm so sick of getting fuckin' criticized. If I ever made it in music, I would give the world a big FUCK YOU because no one helped me get where I am, ESPECIALLY not god. To me, god is a joke and I hate anyone who even starts giving some imaginary being credit for shit I accomplish. Fuck that, if I ever make it big, it was ME and no one else who got that far. Gahhh I just don't know what more to type. I'm not looking for any huge "solution" from anyone here, I just had to rant. You know how you get sometimes? You gotta just get things out in writing? I felt like I would post it here because DM contains my closest internet friends, so enjoy at your own risk